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Flustered. November 26, 2008

Posted by skedaddle in Uncategorized.
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I’ve been sleeping a lot lately.
Consequently, I’ve been having a lot of nightmares.

I didn’t think I was afraid of dying, but in my dreams, death is impending, and I’m terrified.
I guess it’s because I’m so scared that I will die before I get to make my life worthwhile. That’s a pretty scary possibility. Very realistic. Just like my nightmares.

This morning I had to go talk to my TA for one of my classes about a paper I wrote. I was anxious about this meeting because it seems unusual to have to meet with your TA to chat about something.
Turns out, to my complete dismay, I was in trouble for plagiarizing. Scholastic dishonesty is treated with severe consequences, usually meaning that you fail the class you plagiarized in and then get expelled from the university. So, naturally, my heart stopped when my TA uttered the word.
I didn’t understand how I could be in trouble for cheating. For one, I can’t cheat without feeling a significant amount of guilt. I have cheated on things before, not gonna lie (high school is too easy) but it was never on something so important, and even then, I was careful to never leave any evidence behind. In this case, I wasn’t careful because I wasn’t even aware I was cheating. I cited my sources, but because I didn’t use quotations (even though we weren’t supposed to) and summarized things a little too close to the original words, he gave me an F.
My TA said that because I’m a first semester freshman, he and my professor decided to be more lenient. So he’s not going to expel me. He also gave me the chance to redo the paper, which is good, because otherwise I would have failed the class (this paper has a pretty significant weight on my average). I left his office, clutching my paper in my hand, in a complete daze of what had happened and what could have happened.
Me? Get in trouble for plagiarism?
And all this time I considered writing my only strong point. Apparently now I even suck at that.

The whole event was very depressing. It didn’t help that everyone and their mom went home today so I am essentially the only one in the dorm (actually, I think the janitors might be here still… but I could be wrong). I walked around looking for a place that was still open so that I could eat dinner and realized I was walking in a ghost town. Ihave never seen Austin so empty.
Every time I try to make a to-do list of all the things I need to do before Monday, I get overwhelmed. There is so much to do and so little motivation. I wish I didn’t get discouraged so easily.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I wish I wasn’t so pessimistic towards my blessings.
I wish a lot of things.

The next two weeks are going to be harder than anything thus far. I have four tests in three days.
God help me.

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Comments»

1. fadeblack84 - November 27, 2008

damn. thats rough..


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